‘Real Housewives of Salt Lake City’ Season 5 Premiere Is Flawless TV

The best show on TV is back. After an explosive Season 4 finale subverted all reality TV expectations and blew up The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City as we knew it, the modern soap opera has continued ascending its icy slope, crowning itself as the best of Bravo’s many offerings. It’s such a good premiere, crushing the desperate narrative that the show needs Monica Garcia to survive.

The ladies of RHOSLC have something much more pertinent in their arsenal: bath bombs. The Season 5 premiere leans all the way into wackiness—without ridiculously juvenile editing—to snuggle audiences right into the bizarro world of couture furs, off-beat theme parties, and indecipherable drama. It feels like home.

A first in Real Housewives history, the premiere takes place entirely at one event. Well, that’s with the exception of flashback scenes used to contextualize all the drama. RHOSLC is a very unique Housewives show in that it’s structured more like a scripted drama than a docuseries. There is no better editing team on Bravo, proven by the expert montage that opens the episode. Nothing can top haunted choral music playing over pseudo-intellectual quotes like “we choose to share what most try to hide—and then we wait for the world’s opinion” while the ladies walk through their barren homes.

It’s such a relief that RHOSLC has continued to embrace its choral music as other franchises have leaned into Selling Sunset-inspired lyrical music. And it’s an even bigger relief that the show has returned with the utter chaos of Lisa Barlow’s Besos Party.

Lisa, who has historically been the kindest Housewife with a heart of gold, invites every lady to the event—even Whitney, who’s a nasty liar and a horrible person! Whitney went on Nick Viall’s podcast, after all. Just disgusting. Even worse, she said Lisa’s “always been the villain.” Okay, apparently saying heinous things about your supposed best friend, calling Heather a Lego figurine, and saying Monica deserves an abusive mom is “villain” behavior now. Women can’t be nuanced anymore.

That is unless you’re Mary Cosby, who’s back full-time with a new best friend: Angie K. Her alleged cult is about to expand all the way to the Mediterranean Sea, offering pita in place of holy bread. Mary’s return comes after she ditched the Season 2 reunion and dipped out of filming halfway through last season. This time, she’s dedicated to finishing a full-season without hiding in her closet.

The event’s also a chance for all the prospective newbies to audition for a snowflake. But only one could be America’s Next Top Housewife: Bronwyn Newport. A woman whose clothes look like Roblox Dress to Impress designs by an eager 12-year-old, Bronwyn makes her presence known right away with a bombastic outfit and even bigger personality.

Her actual introduction scene is relegated to a flashback, where she dons a cheetah-print two piece with a huge jacket and matching boots. She did not wear all that just to end up on the cutting-room floor. Bronwyn has the disturbing energy of a woman who has absolutely horrific secrets hidden right behind her huge smile, and it will be so exciting to pull back those layers.

Newbie #2 arrives with Whitney, who’s “hilling” journey has hit a road-bump now that she and Lisa are on the rocks. Thankfully, she has Meili, a woman who does nothing in the premiere. But she’s gorgeous! As for Whitney, she’s back with a bob—and she means business. Unfortunately for her, that business involves bath bombs, a huge no-no when everyone knows baths are Meredith’s brand.

“It is an attack on me,” a post-op Meredith tells Heather in a flashback, having undergone a third breast reduction due to her ever-growing boobs.

At the event, Meredith and Whitney attempt a conversation despite their linguistic differences. Meredith’s reunion “warm and fuzzy” was to launch a bath product, and here Whitney comes trying to “hill” with some bath products? Shady. Apparently, Whitney’s been selling bath bombs for years. No one knew. A quick visit to Whitney’s Wild Rose website has those “fan favorite” bath bombs displayed front-and-center. Only $18.95 to piss off Meredith Marks!

Angie K.—who will legally be known as such for the rest of time, even though she snagged center snowflake—hijacks the moment to demand an apology from Meredith for insinuating she’s a member of the Greek mafia whose businesses exist as money laundering schemes. She whips out a scroll to ask for said apology, continuing her rise as a so-flop-it’s-not Greek Goddess.

The third and final newbie comes in through Heather. Britani is a failed Hallmark actress dating an Osmond on-and-off (Mormon royalty, allegedly!), and she can’t help but say all the wrong things. Why exactly does this demon not have a snowflake?

Britani immediately gets off on the wrong foot with Mary and Bronwyn by complimenting their “costumes.” Mary reacts as though she’s been shot, deciding she hates Britani now and forever. Britani’s only hope is donating her life savings to Mary’s church and praying at the altar of her Lord and savior. She also disgusts Mary because she “grew up poor” and put bread in her purse.

“She had to do it recently, because when you’re little you don’t have a purse,” Mary deduces in a confessional. It’s… not a bad point.

Britani’s a certified diva with a license to slay. She would get along great with Ramona Singer, who once put an entire seafood boil in her purse. Sorry Bronwyn, you’re cute and all, but your snowflake looks awfully melted next to this queen. Eh, who am I kidding. Bronwnyn’s an ex-Mormon with a geriatric husband and a ticking time-bomb faux-positive personality. She’s surely a star, too.

With the introductions over with, Lisa gathers the ladies to remind them of the power of friendship, right before hosting the murder of Whitney at dinner. Lisa loves friendship. She doesn’t love podcasts. And when she inevitably starts the Baby Gorgeous podcast in two years only to abandon it after 18 episodes, it will be tongue-in-cheek.

At dinner, Meredith and Angie K. continue to gag each other with sickening barbs, a reminder that every RHOSLC feud is best viewed under the lens of rooting for no one and everyone at the same time. These two radiate on a realm far above the average human.

Next, Whitney addresses Lisa, picking up on the subtle hints Lisa’s dropped all event: “I feel like you have a problem with me and a podcast.” Whitney is so wise.

She then calls Lisa “self-absorbed,” to which Lisa replies: “I think that when you learn how to take care of yourself, you’ll understand that people that love themselves take care of themselves. That’s part of self-love. And with your healing journey, you’d think you’d know that by now.”

This premiere is full of quotes. Each of these women has given Bravo so many great lines to slap on the side of a $40 mug.

What Whitney rilly wants to know, though, is what she said wrong. Lisa, master of deflection, asks instead: Who told you I’m mad? Lisa had only shared her frustrations with Angie and Heather, and she discovers it was Ms. K in the display home with a puffer jacket who spilled the beans. She finds this out thanks to an assist from Heather, who reveals she didn’t say anything, leading Lisa to put Angie on the spit and roast her like a traditional gyros.

Lisa immediately turns on her minion, telling her to “zip it.” Then, Lisa tosses a candle into the corner in a fit of rage, declaring “you want me to be your villain? I’ll be your villain.” Lisa gets help destroying Whitney when Heather and Meredth start listing all the ways Whitney has lied over the years—a response to Whitney claiming she’s never lied—laying out a manifesto of every moment Whitney flew too close to the sun.

A simple reality is any Housewife who says she “never lies” is a big liar, just as any Housewife who swears on her children’s lives is lying. The chickens are all coming home to roost now, with no Jen and no Monica there to distract from Whitney tossing little bath bombs and then hiding in the aftermath.

It’s a great progression of Whitney’s role, finally placing her in the hot seat in a way she’s never been before. The trio of terror that is Meredith, Lisa, and Heather has potential to be the most nasty group of women ever seen on TV. Yay!

The episode ends with the group in shambles, Angie picking Whitney’s side and leaving alongside Ms. Bob, while “Lisa Barlow has a paid partnership with Wendy’s” flashes on the bottom of the screen.

If you ever thought The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City would face a slump after such a meteoric high, rest assured, these ladies are too unhinged to slow down the drama. This premiere is such a victory lap, laughing in the face of the many people who doubted the show’s immense prowess.

Maybe the Emmy voting committee will finally consider RHOSLC worthwhile next year. These are the same people who designated The Beara comedy, though, so we can’t expect too much.