Shannon Beador Has a Sonoma Spa Day of Terror

It’s always nice to escape the day-to-day world for a relaxing trip to wine country, where worldly worries fall to the wayside in favor of spa dates and coastal lunches. That is if you’re not Shannon Beador, a woman whose existence is a magnet for pain.

Each episode, a Jenga piece is removed from her ever-shaky tower of terror, pushing Shannon closer and closer to the brink of devastation. It’s daring storytelling, toeing the line of cruelty, while also providing the best-case scenario for a polarizing Housewife’s season post-DUI. The Real Housewives of Orange County is airing its most classic season in years, a good old-fashioned hero vs. villain arc that has given the entire cast something to chew on. The season’s only flaw is the incessant usage of ridiculous musical cues, but we’ve long lost the battle on the Selling Sunset-ification of reality TV. Please bring back the beautiful stylings of Alan Lazar!

The ladies embark on their second trip this week—and first as a full group—accompanying gay rights activist Heather Dubrow on her mecca to Sonoma County for the Family Equality fashion show. In the spirit of inclusivity, Heather extends an invite to both Alexis and Shannon, despite the John Jannsen legal drama hanging over their heads. No one can say the RHOC ladies don’t know how to show up to work.

The cast does their best to keep the two apart, except for on the bite-sized private jet that flies them over. The night before, John and Alexis made their long-awaited red carpet debut on the “We Hope Shannon Dies” world tour, and John wore none other than the Ferragamo shoes Shannon bought him. Deduct that $475 from Shannon’s fees. #Shannonicent.

The ranch itself is very adorable, a perfect balance for a domestic cast trip. Take note, Potomac producers. The continental U.S. is more than active construction zones. Obviously, when your life is as bad as Shannon’s, it doesn’t really matter where you film. She might as well be digging herself out of a ditch or filming inside an exploding home.

At lunch, the group splits into two, but the topic remains on John Jannsen’s red carpet appearance. Shannon’s bewildered by his turn, given he was anti-fame when she dated him. The John Jannsen experience is one of immense confusion, as the man we saw the past three seasons was mild-mannered and had little screen presence. Yet, he’s now running a borderline sociopathic campaign behind-the-scenes to drive Shannon to the brink all in the name of… Alexis Bellino? Or is she just a pawn? Even the boring men of RHOC have superb storytelling prowess.

Shannon breaks it down: John wants to look like a good guy, and the way to do that is to take down Shannon. Maybe this is a case of hindsight being 20/20, but trying to win the battle by suing her for $75K when her entire arc the past few years had been that you’re a deadbeat who doesn’t pay and drinks too much just seems like an uphill battle.

It’s almost easier to believe John has a long-standing beef with Alexis and is doing all of this to ruin her life, rather than Shannon’s. Maybe Shannon and John are in cahoots in an effort to distract from her DUI and get the cast on her side. Bravo QAnon is everywhere if you just open up your third eye.

After all, Alexis’ entire arc this year revolves around anchoring herself to this ticking time bomb. It’s barely a footnote of this episode—dedicated to LGBTQ+ equality—that Alexis is the mother of a transgender child, having bonded with Heather over their similar journeys in motherhood. It’s an intense 180 from her homophobic arc a decade prior, back when Alexis thought “the problem with liberal America” is that women have rights.

It’s an interesting dichotomy, as this of all episodes could’ve been one to pull back the layers and give the audience a more nuanced Alexis. Instead, it’s full steam ahead on the villain arc that has caused the minds of many to explode.

At least we escape the polarizing arc to discuss something all Americans support: LGBTQ+ equality. Right? Right…?

Heather visits with Family Equality organizers with Alexis and Tamra in tow, even meeting up with Jim Obergefell, the civil rights activist named on the Supreme Court case that legalized same-sex marriage across the nation.

This is a classic RHOC episode plot structure. Heather meets with a civil rights activist to launch a champagne collaboration in support of the queer community. Meanwhile, Shannon breaks down over Alexis’ threats to release damning videos of her drunk-driving into a teenager. Heather is the Charlotte York of RHOC, getting cute brunches and family outings, while Shannon “Miranda Hobbes” Beador has to venture into the deep, dark unknown for humiliating arcs, week-in, week-out.

You think it can’t get worse and then it’s revealed that Shannon Ubered to a mall to drink by herself after she saw the red carpet photos. Harrowing.

Shannon has finally found a sister in misery, though, as Jenn continues to push the bounds of devastation each episode. She joins the trip late to reveal her court hearing went poorly, awarding her $6,000 a month in child-support, which might seem fine but, in the context of Jenn’s Brady Bunch and the Orange County cost of living, means she’s unlikely to pay off her ever-growing debts anytime soon.

Thank God Shannon gets to take a break from it all with a nice spa day, though! Surely, nothing can go wrong there. But it does, something truly awful happens. The parfumier arrives and asks the ladies their favorite scent and Emily says tacos.

Gina follows this by discussing her relationship, just piling on Shannon with things she doesn’t need to hear about. Shannon already established she doesn’t know Gina’s kids names (except star Sienna). Somehow, Shannon’s lawyer calling to inform her that her settlement offer was rejected was probably a relief, as she got to escape Gina’s relationship talk for a second.

It’s interesting to note that Alexis thought he should accept the settlement before John puppeteered her in a new direction. I hope people realize that Alexis is simply a very malleable woman, who’s whims go in whichever direction the man she’s infatuated with has led her in. Does that justify her threatening to release a video that could ruin Shannon’s life? Well, no, but it does explain why she doesn’t see how this is much more damning for her than anything she could prove about Shannon.

Shannon finally becomes aware of the video, too, as Gina “slips up” and tells her during the spa day. This is the final straw in the destruction of Shannon’s facade, causing her to break down in tears. She and Gina share a heartwarming moment, as their growing friendship continues to be the best usage of Gina in her six years of television. Maybe Shannon will learn her kids’ names soon, if she keeps this up.

Shannon excuses herself before the actual spa portion of the spa day, mumbling that “God has a plan.” Yeah, He had a plan for Job too, Shannon. Look how that turned out. The second coming of Jesus Jugs might just be the Lord himself, as Shannon’s suffering has grown to the point it seems personal. God is not finished with this gal—and that’s a threat.

Our stricken diva pulls herself together enough to go meet Heather, pleading to her inclusive ally. Showing up in shower shoes, an umbrella and her robe, Shannon meets with the Evil Queen, who’s dressed to the nines for dinner.

It’s a compelling scene as Shannon finally takes her power back, exposing further details of the night of her DUI. Apparently, she crashed her car just seconds after leaving John’s driveway—and he didn’t even come running. She then shows Heather a bloody photo she sent John right after the crash, revealing further how devastating the night was for her. Imagine you just crashed into a house while drunk driving and sent your ex-situationship a bloody photo… and he ignored it.

“If that’s true, that’s fucked,” Heather says as the episode comes to a close.

Heather’s toeing the most interesting line of the season, balancing friendships with Alexis, Tamra, and Shannon with ease, making her an easy “audience surrogate” or moral compass Housewife. If Shannon can get her on her side, it’s even more over for Alexis than ever. This is the 270th electoral vote Shannon needs to sweep BravoCon.

The one and only silver lining this week for Shannon is that Tamra has let up on trying to destroy her, instead continuing her slow-burn unraveling of Gina. That’s a much more manageable task, given Gina’s own hairstylist has been dismantling her for years now.

Next week, Heather leads a fashion show for LGBTQ+ equality while “Shannon’s lawsuit takes a turn as she deals with the aftermath of the video news.” The carousel truly never stops turning.